Saturday, April 21, 2012

A time of transition

I have sat down to write this post at least forty times, and every time have not been certain how to start it, or to word this. As it stands, I feel the time has come for me to just write it off the cuff, and let it go where it goes.

The past fourteen months have been marked by a number of transitions in my life. Borders Group, a company I had worked at for seven years, had begun the last wave of failures that would lead to its eventual demise, which precipitated the beginnings of my search for a new job. In retrospect, from a financial standpoint alone, it's a move I should have made years prior, but out of a sense of loyalty and stubbornness, I stayed, hoping somewhere deep down that I would eventually move up the ladder and wind up with my own store. Moving into the world of serving and, later, tending bar, proved to have a steep learning curve, and it's one that I am still getting the hang of. I will admit that I find it particularly frustrating to move from a business where I knew damn near everything, into one where I find a new shortcoming every single day I work. The transition was initially eased by the fact that I was able to stay on part-time at Borders until that option, too, disappeared with the filing of Chapter 7 and the final demise of the company. I can at least say, with a mixture of pride, anger, and sadness, that I counted the last deposit and locked the doors for the final time on our last day of business. There to the bitter end, as it were.

At the same time that my professional life suffered such a drastic change, my personal life has also been in a state of massive upheaval. On the 4th of February, I made the decision to leave my husband. I could spend time going into my reasons for making that decision, but suffice it to say that I believe we were no longer capable of being what each other needed. I did not come to this decision lightly, and it was something I had considered with varying degrees of seriousness for about a year. To those close to us who may be reading this, I implore you to believe that if I had seen any other way, I would have taken it. I did not see another road, and so we are where we are.

I moved out of the house we had shared for the past five years, and have taken up residence with friends. I have been keeping myself distracted with work, and friends, and travel, in between dealing with all of the paperwork and general fallout surrounding my divorce. Until last week, I do not recall having written a word of fiction since November, aside from small pieces of editing that I have posted here. It is my hope that in the coming weeks and months I will find my passion for writing again and successfully finish at least one or two projects that I have in the works at the moment. Given my track record, I make no promises.

What I do wish to do is to thank those of you who have asked or prodded me about my writing, as well as those who have offered your condolences, support, and the occasional beer. In so many ways, my life, at least in my mind, has always been defined by my job and my marriage. With both of those things gone, along with some other changes that I don't feel comfortable discussing in a public forum just yet, I am left with a bewildering sense that I am not quite sure who I am, or what I am doing here. I am choosing to see this as an opportunity to look at the pieces left behind and see how I can shape them into a better version of myself, and one that is defined by who I am, not what I do.

At the moment, who I am is a man in a time of transition, and one who is grateful if you have gotten far enough in this post to be reading this. I know that I will come out the other side of this a stronger person. In the meantime, this will have to do.

Bless├Ęd Be,
~Kieran